Once Upon a Time
by Shuro Yuu
Summary: One Sided Elricest. Edward's admissions of his helpless obsession and love for his brother.


I remember a time when my love for you was clean and pure, shining strong and bright like the light in your eyes, untainted by the desires of the flesh.

I remember a time when I could enjoy your simple presence beside me; big gray eyes full of innocence and curiosity.

I have always loved you Al and I'm ashamed of this horrible, clawing, desperate need to possess you. All I've ever wanted was to be at your side, love you like the brother that that I am, take care of you, protect you. Yet I can't even seem to do that.

You're so good to me. I try, I honestly do, I try to control these terrible cravings, but then you smile at me, or I see you lick your spoon, or you step out of the shower, and all my good intentions, all my brotherly love flees in the face of such an overpowering wave of blind lust.

Only you Al, Only you can reduce me to this mindless puddle of hormones and need. With only your eyes you can make my heart do a back flip, with your voice you make the blood in my veins flow thick and hot like lava, with your mouth you make me gasp and claw and sob with desperation.

I'm so sorry for using you this way, abusing your love for me.

Oh, I know, I _know_ you can't love me this way. And believe me, I would give anything, _anything_ to spare you from this pain and humiliation and shame. I'd flay myself alive if only knew for a certainty that this greedy monster in my heart would wither and die.

In my saner moments, I recoil from the extent of my selfishness. That's why I let you go off in the middle of the night; I let you escape me because I need to hide my own guilt from you. Even with the stench of our love-making clinging to the bed, I can only stare up at the ceiling and wish I believed in a redeeming god to absolve me from the crimes against your flesh. But it only adds to the sharp stab in my chest, only adds to the cold tears that are useless to both you and me.

I've tainted you with this sin, I've let my disregard for conventions warp my mind, and destroy your innocence.

I'd blame you for giving me false hope so long ago, back when I'd trapped your beautiful soul in that cold shell of steel. I could blame you for letting me take and take and take whatever I could get. You lied to me, and in my thoughtless need, I took what you so foolishly offered with your unfailing sense of fairness.

Equivalent exchange.

Even in this there must be a price to pay. And its you who pays it, you who have sacrificed your own happiness to stay with me. Why can't I let you go? Is this the price we must pay? To suffer for each other the rest of our lives?

I still remember those cold leather gauntlets; I can still feel that cool metal sliding along my heated flesh. Rough, oil slicked fingers roaming over me, claiming me, controlling me.

I'd give anything for you, to you. I've given my heart to you, and I wouldn't blame you if you decided to tear it to shreds. It wouldn't make me love you any less.

So every morning I wake up and you're not there, I feel tired and defeated.

Every minute away from you is like walking through a desert. Like that time we were in Lior. I feel numb and I thirst, a thirst like I'll lose my mind if I can't get a drink.

Then you're in the doorway, rubbing your sleepy eyes, a smile twisting your lips. "Morning bed-head."

Your eyes are red rimmed and puffy, but I say nothing, only grin back and fling my arms out wide against the bed, "you didn't come back to bed again." I say on a yawn, and I know better than to bring this up, but the practical part of my brain worries for you sleeping on that cold wooden floor.

Your eyes flicker with some guilt, and I kick myself mentally. The last thing I want is for you to feel bad. I force my sweet little brother to be my lover and now I'm making him feel bad for not sleeping with me? Oh yes, my big brother virtues go on and on.

I stretch and roll off the bed, make my way out to you and see you stiffen. You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but it's a testament of my will when I don't jump you then and there, take you with a violence I've shown you in my greatest heights of passion, but not today.

Today I want you to smile that true smile I haven't seen since we were ten. I want to spend time with you like a brother should, not ravage and paw at you like a randy teenager. "Lets go to the lake today" I try not to sound breathless, but its hard when you're so close, when I can feel the velvet texture of your cheek against my palm, when I can feel your still flushed warmth seeping into my hand, all but melting into my very bones.

This is what you do to me. This is what I become when you are before me.

I can see the resignation in your eyes, and a pang of guilt stabs at my heart, but my loins, my body betrays me, already I can feel the steady throb of need in my belly, strumming along my nerves, heating a trail down to my groin.

No, please, not again, not so soon. Let me enjoy this untainted moment with him!

But your lips are already hovering over mine, smelling faintly of thesex we had last night and morning breath. Already my heated body is pressed up against yours, words falling from my lips, words spilling helplessly from my soul, "you don't know, can't understand the depth and extent of my need for you, my love and devotion to you. Please, Have mercy. "

Who am I asking? Is it you or fate?

If only I could find a way to release you and BE released from these filthy chains that bind us in our pain, grief, sin…

Love.


End file.
